A different light!

So I’ve been single for almost three weeks I think and at first, as you have read, it was really hard. I was sad and felt alone. Recently, things have been changing. I feel like myself again. Something has definitely shifted.

I have had my little slip ups with calling my ex when I knew I shouldn’t have. I had him over a few times, but lately I have enjoyed being alone. I clean my house and watch the shows I want on tv. I have even been reading again! I feel good!

The past few days, my ex has still been begging to come over. I keep telling him no but he is persistent. I know this is really hard for him and he is really hurting. I don’t want to completely quit texting him because I know it will kill him. Just listening to myself as I type this, I know how pathetic it sounds. I should be worrying about myself and not him, but that’s just who I am. I’m too nice and I care too much about others. I’m struggling with it. I don’t want him around because I’m happy and I’m finally doing well, but then again it’s so hard to completely quit talking. I’m lost right now when it comes to how to handle this!!! Ugh…

Chosen side 

I have decided that this guy is just not worth the emotions and effort. I need to focus on me and quit worrying about other bull shit. He is an awesome guy but he’s also difficult and has a lot going on in his life. I think that with my current situation I just need to be alone. I have really never been happy with being alone. I want to know what that feels like so badly. People who live alone and do their own thing are strong individuals and I need that in my life. I’m tired of being weak and depending on other people to make me happy. I know I’m on a rant today so I apologize I just have a lot of emotions in my mind right now. It’s nice to be able to get them out here. It’s crazy how I can be so focused on myself one day and then after a couple days with somebody I got off track. This tells me something. It tells me that I’m absolutely codependent right now and I’m ready to be INDEPENDENT for once in my life. I don’t need a males attention to make me appreciate myself. I’m the only person I need to make me happy, at least that’s what I’m telling myself. I can do this.

On the fence

As I lay here in bed, I can’t stop thinking about what I really want. I want to learn to be single and alone because I know that I can’t ever truly love anyone else if I don’t love myself. However, on the other hand I really enjoy the company of a certain person I have been hanging out with lately. I know in my heart it’s too soon after my last relationship to even think about starting a new one. Also, I was just starting to truly adjust to the idea of living alone. I like the solitude at times and I enjoy how productive I have been. I also have seen a huge difference in my happiness. Living alone gets sad and lonely at times but it’s also liberating and enlightening. Should I tell this new friend that I can’t continue to see them, or should I keep them around just as nothing more than a friend? My biggest fear is that I will grow feelings for this person simply because I’m alone and sad from a break up, when really, I should be working on the feelings I have for myself. He is so sweet and funny and makes me laugh but that doesn’t make it right. So confused….not to mention I will hopefully be moving soon and getting feelings for another person will only make things harder!! Ugh 😑 life…

New read!

So I just ordered a book online! It’s called On My Own: The Art Of Being A Woman Alone. I am hoping it will help give me a better outlook when it comes to living alone as I begin my new journey! If anyone has read it, let me know what you thought! As soon as I finish I will definitely be posting a review!! Hoping to gain a better perspective on life and living it on my own!

Lonely coffee 

So I read an article that had a list of things to do to get yourself adjusted to being alone. One of them was, have a coffee date by yourself with a book or magazine. At this very moment I am sitting here in this Starbucks flipping through a Cosmopolitan and all I can focus on are all the couples and groups of friends around me. I can’t help but wonder what they are thinking about me, or if they even notice. I have always hated being alone so this was a big step for me. I am truly having mixed feelings about it. I am proud that I did it, but at the same time I am feeling sorry for myself that I don’t have anyone to enjoy it with. I don’t mean to whine or complain but I wonder if anyone else out there has had this feeling before. If you have feel free to comment about your experience I would love to hear it! 

Starting over

I started this blog for a class a long time ago. I recently graduated with my Bachelor of Graphic Communication. I’m still on the job hunt as far as that goes. I also recently had a bad breakup. I have decided to start blogging again to give me a place to get my feelings out.

The past few days since the break up, I have been laying around in bed just sleeping. However, I’m ready to get up and about. I am going to focus on myself and remain single until I know that I have found myself and become okay with being alone.

Being alone has always been a struggle for me. I suffer with self esteem issues and I have for a long time. I have had Bulimia for 6 years now, but I’ve been in recovery for 2.5 years. This disease makes loving yourself very challenging. In return, the disease also makes it hard to be alone. I am tired of living the way I have for so long.

I’m ready to begin this new journey of getting a career and moving away from all I have ever known. I am ready to learn to do it alone. It’s going to be a struggle, but I’m going to do it. I am going to use this blog as a way to keep track of my struggles and hopefully find support from the blog community. In addition to blogging my story, I will also be posting a single post each day stating something that I am thankful for. I hope whoever finds this page will communicate with me and I hope you enjoy.